Guest Post by Father: Introducing Myself

Oh, hello.

It's my distinct pleasure to introduce myself to all y'all - I'm Father, and from my loins sprang Nicolai.

(ed. note: You're going to be confused if you don't click here before continuing)


Nicolai asked me to write a chapter for his internet book here, but hand to Himself I'm at a loss as to why. I don't know who's going to read some internet book when there's real ones sitting just across the way, but I'll humor my boy.

I reckon if y'all are set on reading what I put down, y'all ought to have some perspective on the area from where I'm coming. I'm not young like the boy - in fact, I was fifty years old by the time little Nicolai popped up. Why'd I wait so long to have my son? Ah, well there's a big world out there, full of mystery and wonder. I wanted to see it all, experience life to its fullest so that when I brought another life into this here world I'd have enough wisdom to impart to make that life a good one.

(ed. note: Whatever. Father ran a bike into a tree when he was a kid and crushed his testicles. He didn't have a kid until he was fifty because it took that long for his sperm to find its way out of his mashed up labyrinth of tubes.)


Being as I was born back in '36, I've seen a thing or two. I remember sitting in front of the radio listening to the Lone Ranger as a child, wishing for a horse of my own. Hell, I even remember the hate that welled up in me the day them Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor - I was too young for patriotic fervor, but they interrupted the Ranger's adventures to tell us about it. Horsefeathers, that's what that was.

I've had a job or two, too. I taught school for a few decades, fought fire itself, acted as watchman and warden for the forests, dredged the seas for their riches and taught others to do the same. These days, I'm considered the foremost computer expert in the tri-county area and spend my time diagnosing all sorts of technical problems.

(ed. note: Okay, no. He taught school for thirty-something years, yes. He was a volunteer fireman, but had to quit after he fell off of a roof. For a while, he had a job sitting in a tower and looking at trees, periodically radioing someone in another tower to tell them whether or not those trees were on fire. He owned a shrimp boat for a while and was a shrimper for a year, during which time he caught three shrimp and consumed enough alcohol to drown the entire cast of Jersey Shore. He worked as a SCUBA diving instructor for a while; the very brief time in which he tried to teach me to dive is still marked as one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. 


As far as being a computer expert, okay, fine. His job title was "Technology Specialist," but his actual job was making copies and sometimes replacing the toner cartridge in the machine. He liked to tell people that he kept "the whole durn school system's computer systems running," but he slipped up once and confessed to me that mostly he just napped all day.)


I'm durn lucky to have lived in the same town all my life, just a few blocks down the street from where I was born. There's only about a thousand people that live here - well, 999 now that the boy's moved away - but it's nice and quiet, just like I like it.

Heck, I don't know much else. I reckon that'll wrap up Chapter One.

(ed. note: Father didn't come up with a very entertaining post here, but that's okay. Some of the most hilarious moments in my life involve him, but without knowing him a little they'll all fall flat. Now that you've "met" him, you'll understand just why I find some of the Father stories that will follow so great.)